For the last 3 Christmases I have been haunted by my inner child self, she has been so over come with emotion mostly grief and terror that it makes it really hard to enjoy the season. It became a series of panic attacks, deep sorrow, anxiety and self defeat. This year I decided to stop trying to stuff that part of Self down, stop trying to control her and invite her to BE with me every single day. This Christmas I am prepared for her to spend Christmas with us, not as a sad, scared, shunned girl, but as a happy, playful, heard, seen, fulfilled part of me. I crocheted her a giant blanket, my current favorite color. I have asked that we enjoy Christmas this year as a 40 year old woman filled with joy, bliss, excitement and presence. I bought her a giant unicorn. I have made a giant pot of soup.
The feeling that my inner child can bring to my body is one of terror, one of a small scared child that thinks this pain will never end. For so many years, I tried to silence her…so many well meaning, truly loving and kind humans told me to “stop it”, “don’t worry”, “think about something else”. All she really needed was for me to listen to her, welcome her as a part of me….I GET SCARED, I WORRY, I FEEL ANXIOUS … the difference is now I can CHOOSE to make space and compassion for all of those feelings without shame. I can really, truly and fully see me – ALL OF ME – in ways that I couldn’t because I couldn’t bear the thought of her taking over I thought I had to keep her under control…
She is sensitive and gentle, kind and loving. She lives to snuggle and be cozy. She is me, I am she. We are one. I can be magical and vulnerable.
